I’ve always loved rainbows, but ever since a morning in 2001, they have held special significance to me. I was sitting on our front porch in Indonesia, struggling with post-partum depression. Feelings of hopelessness, despair and anxiety racked my body. As I poured my heart out to the Lord, my eyes glanced at the sky and right there, above our house, hung a piece of a rainbow. I instantly knew that God had put it there just for me, to show me that everything would be all right.
Recently, here in Papua, many sad events happened in a short amount of time. A Christian orphanage burned down. Thankfully the children all escaped. One of our national workers lost their 3-month-old baby. Sickness ran rampant, causing several families to leave for medical care, and one family to leave for good. Other events in our lives added to our stress level. And even though God has brought me much healing over the past ten years, I found myself sitting on my front porch once again feeling slightly depressed.
I asked the Lord to reveal the problem to me. God’s Spirit whispered, “You don’t feel valued.” I had to process that for a while. Then I came to the conclusion that He was right. When God allows me to experience painful things, I tend to think that He doesn’t love me. And then I start to doubt that God will provide whatever I need to help me make it through the trial. Doubt can subtly morph into unbelief.
Sometimes it’s so subconscious that I don’t even realize I have a choice. But I do. And so do you. So, my latest challenge from God is to consciously choose to believe Him rather than what my circumstances or feelings dictate. Oh, it’s okay to be honest about how we feel – in fact, God says He desires “truth in the inner parts” (Psalm 51:6). But then I am left with the choice to believe what I feel or what God says – that He really does love me, value me, has my best interest in mind (Romans 8:28), and has a plan (Jeremiah 29:11-12).
As I pondered these things in my heart, my eyes once again glanced at the sky, and a beautiful piece of a rainbow hung there framed just for me to see. I remembered that day over ten years ago, and I knew that God was telling me that everything would be all right.